Today's theme within the week of activities that The Cariad Foundation has planned is "Let's Talk about it". I was looking back over some of the work that I wrote when I was in early recovery and I thought I'd share a letter I wrote to Ed as a way of saying goodbye to him. It was one of the toughest letters I wrote, and yet one of the most powerful and freeing too!!
Talking about eating disorders will raise awareness. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but by talking about it we empower others to seek recovery because they realize that there are others who have gone before them and that they're not alone.
Feel free to ask questions, or just share observations. TALK ABOUT IT - I DARE you!!!!
My dearest friend
how strange it is to begin a letter
to you in that way, and yet for much of my life, that is what you have been to
me! we met so many years ago, when
I was 17 in fact. mind you, I
think we may have had a brief introduction many years before that because even
at the tender age of 4, I learned how to call on you for support.
with you by my side I felt
strong. we could face any battle
together, and you were always able to give me the illusion of feeling
powerful. together, we were able to
do anything, from going without food, to getting the number on the scale to
come down. together, we were
invincible - so I thought! I
didn't feel the need for anyone else, you were my confidante, the person I told
all my thoughts and secrets too, the one who made me feel secure and
successful, and the one who I always turned to in time of need. I never felt lonely with you around,
and no matter what was going on in my life, I knew I could always turn to you
and you'd make everything alright again.
however, as the years passed by, you
took that friendship to a new level.
it turned from a friendship where we were both equal, to you demanding
all the control. you took my
thoughts and twisted them up in a thousand different ways. you forced me to become obsessed over
numbers, exercise, and even refusing to allow any food into my body. why would a friend deprive someone of
the very nourishment that was needed to survive, and yet that is what you did.
your need for power became so strong that you almost cost me my life. yes, you nearly killed me with your
drive to get thin. sure, I know
you tried to persuade me that the pursuit of thinness would help me to deal
with the feelings I so wanted to ignore, and yes, for a while it did work. but somewhere along the way, you took
it too far, and it almost cost me my life. You treated me, both
physically and emotionally, with utter disrespect. Verbal abuse was hurled at me daily, and you were always
telling me how worthless, fat, and ugly I was. The insults were endless and too numerous to mention - what
friend is so cruel? You led
me to believe I was a complete and utter failure, such a waste of a
person. You rendered me so
powerless, in fact, that I was even driven to kill myself because your methods
were just proving to slow. thank
goodness I failed at that, too!
but now the time has come for me to
tell you that this friendship, this partnership of ours, well it is no
more! no longer can I hang around
with you because our desires are so different. I have a will to live, to enjoy my life, whereas you still
have the underlying drive to lead me to my death. how can I remain friends when your ulterior motive is to
cost me my life?
Shakespeare once wrote that 'parting
is such sweet sorrow'. how right he
was as in saying good bye, I must also say thank you because while there are so
many negative aspects to our friendship, you have also given me some truly
amazing gifts. without you, I
don't think I would have really got to know myself. I would never have discovered the strength that was hidden
inside of me, but thanks to you I have found both the will and determination to
fight for what is rightfully mine – to fight for my life! as I have embarked on this journey of
recovery and self-discovery, you have given me insight that would never have
been possible if it weren't for you.
and, most importantly, not only am I learning to love myself, but I am
learning to allow other people into my life and trust that their friendship and
support is truly genuine. they are
a real blessing in my life, and I’d never have found them were it not for
you.
and so, now the time has come for me
to wish you farewell. although
this is a time of sadness, it is also a time of celebration. in saying goodbye to you, I am allowing
myself to believe that peace and serenity are truly going to be mine. I can trust that my higher power is
real and will give me exactly what I need to continue on this journey of
mine. that journey does not
include you! so I say
'goodbye'. the tears that fill my
eyes are mixed with sadness and joy, sadness for the loss of something that has
filled my life for so long, and yet joy at the promise of hope. yes, the future is mine for living, one
day at a time, free of you and the chains by which you had me bound. no longer must I be filled with
fear; it is replaced with a belief
in myself, self-respect, and love.
I am moving forward and you are not welcome in this next phase of my
life. while I may think of you
from time to time, no longer will you be welcome. you are dead to me from this point on and I refuse to allow
you back in my life.
good bye, farewell, hwyl fawr!
yours, no more
Linda
