Today I was catching up on my 'British' news with one of the UK online newspapers. I was saddened that one of the top stories was about the death of a 19 year old. She had struggled with anorexia since the age of 16 and while her family felt that she was finally starting to win her battle, her body had clearly not got that message and she lost her life due to heart failure during her sleep.
The story reminded me so much of "Melissa', the young girl who's story we screened during NEDAwareness week this year. She tragically lost her life at 19, again in her sleep and as she was in a 'healthier' phase of her recovery.
The harsh reality is that eating disorders KILL. No matter how much Ed likes to delude us that we're "not that bad", when dancing in his world, we walk a perilous line between life and death.
I feel blessed that I was one of the lucky ones, and in spite of ending up in the ER having been told by my inpatient team that my body was shutting down and giving up on me, I was given the opportunity to find freedom and today I'm truly grateful I took it.
For those of you still struggling, I guess I'm sharing all this to remind you that when it comes to Ed, there is not 'waiting till tomorrow' to start recovery - RECOVERY STARTS NOW!!! Even when slips happen, and Ed may try to persuade you to just wait till the following day to start over, HE'S LYING!!! When it comes to the battle against Ed, there is not waiting because we may not have that long to wait!!
Don't let Ed convince you any longer! As tough as it is, when Ed starts in with his bullshit, it's time to remind him that YOU are in charge and you refuse to listen any more.
Ed kills. Don't become one of his victims. You are too amazing, too courageous, and too beautiful to let Ed take you from us!!
So go on, don't wait - recovery starts NOW!!!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
National Infertility Week
Today marks the start of National Infertility Week - something I would not have been aware of if it weren't for the amazing Jenni Schaefer letting me know! It's ironic, really, that I didn't know considering infertility is something that has impacted my life significantly!!
Infertility. The dictionary defines it as 'not capable of producing offspring'. Wow, words that I HATE because my whole life I believed I was capable of anything I set my mind to!!
When you get married, once everyone has got passed the excitement of the wedding day, their next question always seems to be 'so when are you going to start a family?'. It seems such a simple question and yet, today also invokes some pain because the delay is not of my choosing! People take it for granted that everyone CAN have kids, yet what I'm realizing is that there are more and more people out there who this is simply not the case.
When I met my husband, we did begin trying for a family immediately after getting married. Being older, I knew I didn't want to lose any more time and while I knew that my chances at 39 years of age were perhaps not as high as some other folks, I still believed that I was "capable" of getting pregnant.
Almost 3 years later, and I have yet to become a mom. The journey has been filled with many ups and downs, excitement and disappointments, and incredible IVF specialists who are there every step of the way. Twice we have been blessed with actual pregnancy, but the furthest we got was our second where we got to hear the heart beat at 6 weeks. True, there's lots of 'fun' in trying on our own, but even with the support of our incredible IVF team, 6 attempts later and I can't help but wonder what the plan is from here.
One of the biggest challenges for me was letting go of that negative voice deep inside that wanted me to believe it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant. For years, I had suffered with an eating disorder and the reality was that it probably ravaged my body more than I ever realized. I'm one of the lucky ones, however, and the Doctors assure me that the reason I have not been able to get pregnant is nothing to do with my eating disorder but simply because of the reality that I'm 'old'!!!
And so our journey continues and in some ways I draw on my recovery from my eating disorder for support. The common connection between the two is that no matter what, you have to have faith, you have to trust what your medical team is telling you, and you have to let go and trust that the universe is going to give you all you need.
I've not given up on my dream and deep down know that I am meant to be a mom and that it WILL happen!! It's just not going to be on my time and is something that I have to remember I have NO control over!! Hmmmm, memories of recovery again!!
Anyone who is out there struggling with their own journey of infertility, I 'get it'. I also see others who have walked a similar path and have beautiful children. That gives me hope. And so while the dictionary uses words like 'barren', 'incapable', or 'sterile', I know that my journey to become a mom has NONE of those words in it!! My life is filled with incredible support that makes it anything but barren, I am capable of making decisions that lead me down a path of MY choosing, and the only way that I am 'sterile' is by the fact that I always wash my hands after going to the bathroom!!!
So here's to my continued journey. And whether your journey is recovery from an eating disorder or struggling with infertility, I believe that when we least expect it, amazing things can happen!! Who knows, maybe I'll be a mom to a beautiful baby, or maybe the word 'mom' will take another form, but I refuse to let the word 'incapable' ever be used to describe anything about me!!
With love, serenity, and hope to all my fellow fighters out there - especially this week!! Let's talk about infertility and take the stigma away. My life is already pretty amazing and no matter what the outcome, it always will be thanks to freedom from my eating disorder and the love that fills my world!
Infertility. The dictionary defines it as 'not capable of producing offspring'. Wow, words that I HATE because my whole life I believed I was capable of anything I set my mind to!!
When you get married, once everyone has got passed the excitement of the wedding day, their next question always seems to be 'so when are you going to start a family?'. It seems such a simple question and yet, today also invokes some pain because the delay is not of my choosing! People take it for granted that everyone CAN have kids, yet what I'm realizing is that there are more and more people out there who this is simply not the case.
When I met my husband, we did begin trying for a family immediately after getting married. Being older, I knew I didn't want to lose any more time and while I knew that my chances at 39 years of age were perhaps not as high as some other folks, I still believed that I was "capable" of getting pregnant.
Almost 3 years later, and I have yet to become a mom. The journey has been filled with many ups and downs, excitement and disappointments, and incredible IVF specialists who are there every step of the way. Twice we have been blessed with actual pregnancy, but the furthest we got was our second where we got to hear the heart beat at 6 weeks. True, there's lots of 'fun' in trying on our own, but even with the support of our incredible IVF team, 6 attempts later and I can't help but wonder what the plan is from here.
One of the biggest challenges for me was letting go of that negative voice deep inside that wanted me to believe it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant. For years, I had suffered with an eating disorder and the reality was that it probably ravaged my body more than I ever realized. I'm one of the lucky ones, however, and the Doctors assure me that the reason I have not been able to get pregnant is nothing to do with my eating disorder but simply because of the reality that I'm 'old'!!!
And so our journey continues and in some ways I draw on my recovery from my eating disorder for support. The common connection between the two is that no matter what, you have to have faith, you have to trust what your medical team is telling you, and you have to let go and trust that the universe is going to give you all you need.
I've not given up on my dream and deep down know that I am meant to be a mom and that it WILL happen!! It's just not going to be on my time and is something that I have to remember I have NO control over!! Hmmmm, memories of recovery again!!
Anyone who is out there struggling with their own journey of infertility, I 'get it'. I also see others who have walked a similar path and have beautiful children. That gives me hope. And so while the dictionary uses words like 'barren', 'incapable', or 'sterile', I know that my journey to become a mom has NONE of those words in it!! My life is filled with incredible support that makes it anything but barren, I am capable of making decisions that lead me down a path of MY choosing, and the only way that I am 'sterile' is by the fact that I always wash my hands after going to the bathroom!!!
So here's to my continued journey. And whether your journey is recovery from an eating disorder or struggling with infertility, I believe that when we least expect it, amazing things can happen!! Who knows, maybe I'll be a mom to a beautiful baby, or maybe the word 'mom' will take another form, but I refuse to let the word 'incapable' ever be used to describe anything about me!!
With love, serenity, and hope to all my fellow fighters out there - especially this week!! Let's talk about infertility and take the stigma away. My life is already pretty amazing and no matter what the outcome, it always will be thanks to freedom from my eating disorder and the love that fills my world!
A simple word ....
We spend so much of our lives going about our day, doing the things we do without a second thought. Invariably, we don't 'do' things because there's going to be a monetary reward, but because it's just something we're passionate about.
Recently, however, I was reminded that the power of a word can be so powerful and reminds you why you choose to do those things. For me, it's been an email from a parent telling me how much she appreciates all I do to go that extra mile in teaching her son, or being told at the end of a phone call 'wow, thank you, you're appreciated'. I never set out to get these compliments, and yet in hearing them was reminded that those simple words mean so much. The warm glow I felt inside, the smile that broke out on my face, well it came at the perfect time!
We have the power to choose words that can bring smiles to people's faces, or allow Ed's destructive messages to cause chaos and pain. Of course, we would never choose those cruel words of Ed to say to a friend, yet we have no problem listening to them and embracing them ourselves.
So today, as you give a compliment to someone else, or you say thank you to someone for the help they've given, why not take a moment and give an extra special thank you to yourself! Yes, YOU deserve those simple words for all the hard work you do each day, for making choices that support your recovery, or to remind you just how amazing you are.
So here's to each of you out there. You guys are amazing and I am blessed to have you all in my life. And today I DARE you to compliment yourself - go on, try it, you might be pleasantly surprised!!!
Recently, however, I was reminded that the power of a word can be so powerful and reminds you why you choose to do those things. For me, it's been an email from a parent telling me how much she appreciates all I do to go that extra mile in teaching her son, or being told at the end of a phone call 'wow, thank you, you're appreciated'. I never set out to get these compliments, and yet in hearing them was reminded that those simple words mean so much. The warm glow I felt inside, the smile that broke out on my face, well it came at the perfect time!
We have the power to choose words that can bring smiles to people's faces, or allow Ed's destructive messages to cause chaos and pain. Of course, we would never choose those cruel words of Ed to say to a friend, yet we have no problem listening to them and embracing them ourselves.
So today, as you give a compliment to someone else, or you say thank you to someone for the help they've given, why not take a moment and give an extra special thank you to yourself! Yes, YOU deserve those simple words for all the hard work you do each day, for making choices that support your recovery, or to remind you just how amazing you are.
So here's to each of you out there. You guys are amazing and I am blessed to have you all in my life. And today I DARE you to compliment yourself - go on, try it, you might be pleasantly surprised!!!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
With directions, you're never lost!
Today I had to go and pick my husband up from work but I was in a part of town that I didn't really know that well, and had to navigate from there to his office. Initially I was worried ..... what if I got lost? What if I didn't get there on time? What if .... what it .... what if!!!!
But then I realized I had no need to worry because I have navigation in my car. I programmed it to lead me to his office and straight away, a voice gave me instructions of how to start. As we proceeded, periodically I'd get a new instruction, and step by step, with the help of the navigation system, I arrived safely to his office and on time!
Recovery is a little like that! When we start, we have this huge panic and fear, with so many questions about whether we'll ever each our destination of recovery. And yet, if we listen to our treatment team, they become like my navigation system. Periodically, they give us new suggestions / guidelines to follow and if we try them out, we find we continue moving forward in the direction we want.
With support, we never have to be alone and we find that no matter how unclear the journey is, if we trust in that voice, that support, we'll always get to where we want!
And so today I encourage you to listen to your GPS system!! It's there - we just have to remember to listen and trust that they're not going to lead us astray!!
But then I realized I had no need to worry because I have navigation in my car. I programmed it to lead me to his office and straight away, a voice gave me instructions of how to start. As we proceeded, periodically I'd get a new instruction, and step by step, with the help of the navigation system, I arrived safely to his office and on time!
Recovery is a little like that! When we start, we have this huge panic and fear, with so many questions about whether we'll ever each our destination of recovery. And yet, if we listen to our treatment team, they become like my navigation system. Periodically, they give us new suggestions / guidelines to follow and if we try them out, we find we continue moving forward in the direction we want.
With support, we never have to be alone and we find that no matter how unclear the journey is, if we trust in that voice, that support, we'll always get to where we want!
And so today I encourage you to listen to your GPS system!! It's there - we just have to remember to listen and trust that they're not going to lead us astray!!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
You have to push the button!!
It's been a while since I blogged, and there's a variety of reasons as to why, but no matter what is going on in my life, situations still seem to pop up that remind me about recovery!!
Recently I was standing in an elevator. I watched the doors close and stood waiting for it to rise. Nothing happened. It took me a minute to realize that the elevator wasn't going to go anywhere if I didn't press the button and let it know which floor I needed to go to! Yup, funny how that works!
But the reality is that recovery works something like that. We can have all the plans in the world, know exactly where we want to get to, but until we 'press the button' nothing will happen! In recovery that means not only coming up with a plan with our treatment team, but taking action and following through! Yeah, that's the tough part and yet, without it, we will stay exactly where we are! How's that phrase go - "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got'!!
And so, make today different! Step in the elevator called recovery AND press the button to start moving toward it!! That will probably look different for each of us, but it is still something we can ALL do!!!
So go on, press the button and take action on recovery today - I DARE you!!!
Recently I was standing in an elevator. I watched the doors close and stood waiting for it to rise. Nothing happened. It took me a minute to realize that the elevator wasn't going to go anywhere if I didn't press the button and let it know which floor I needed to go to! Yup, funny how that works!
But the reality is that recovery works something like that. We can have all the plans in the world, know exactly where we want to get to, but until we 'press the button' nothing will happen! In recovery that means not only coming up with a plan with our treatment team, but taking action and following through! Yeah, that's the tough part and yet, without it, we will stay exactly where we are! How's that phrase go - "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got'!!
And so, make today different! Step in the elevator called recovery AND press the button to start moving toward it!! That will probably look different for each of us, but it is still something we can ALL do!!!
So go on, press the button and take action on recovery today - I DARE you!!!
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