National Infertility Week

Today marks the start of National Infertility Week - something I would not have been aware of if it weren't for the amazing Jenni Schaefer letting me know!  It's ironic, really, that I didn't know considering infertility is something that has impacted my life significantly!!

Infertility.  The dictionary defines it as 'not capable of producing offspring'.  Wow, words that I HATE because my whole life I believed I was capable of anything I set my mind to!!

When you get married, once everyone has got passed the excitement of the wedding day, their next question always seems to be 'so when are you going to start a family?'.  It seems such a simple question and yet, today also invokes some pain because the delay is not of my choosing!  People take it for granted that everyone CAN have kids, yet what I'm realizing is that there are more and more people out there who this is simply not the case.

When I met my husband, we did begin trying for a family immediately after getting married.  Being older, I knew I didn't want to lose any more time and while I knew that my chances at 39 years of age were perhaps not as high as some other folks, I still believed that I was "capable" of getting pregnant.

Almost 3 years later, and I have yet to become a mom.  The journey has been filled with many ups and downs, excitement and disappointments, and incredible IVF specialists who are there every step of the way.  Twice we have been blessed with actual pregnancy, but the furthest we got was our second where we got to hear the heart beat at 6 weeks.  True, there's lots of 'fun' in trying on our own, but even with the support of our incredible IVF team, 6 attempts later and I can't help but wonder what the plan is from here.

One of the biggest challenges for me was letting go of that negative voice deep inside that wanted me to believe it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant.  For years, I had suffered with an eating disorder and the reality was that it probably ravaged my body more than I ever realized.  I'm one of the lucky ones, however, and the Doctors assure me that the reason I have not been able to get pregnant is nothing to do with my eating disorder but simply because of the reality that I'm 'old'!!!

And so our journey continues and in some ways I draw on my recovery from my eating disorder for support.  The common connection between the two is that no matter what, you have to have faith, you have to trust what your medical team is telling you, and you have to let go and trust that the universe is going to give you all you need.

I've not given up on my dream and deep down know that I am meant to be a mom and that it WILL happen!!  It's just not going to be on my time and is something that I have to remember I have NO control over!!  Hmmmm, memories of recovery again!!

Anyone who is out there struggling with their own journey of infertility, I 'get it'.  I also see others who have walked a similar path and have beautiful children.  That gives me hope.  And so while the dictionary uses words like 'barren', 'incapable', or 'sterile', I know that my journey to become a mom has NONE of those words in it!!  My life is filled with incredible support that makes it anything but barren, I am capable of making decisions that lead me down a path of MY choosing, and the only way that I am 'sterile' is by the fact that I always wash my hands after going to the bathroom!!!

So here's to my continued journey.  And whether your journey is recovery from an eating disorder or struggling with infertility, I believe that when we least expect it, amazing things can happen!!  Who knows, maybe I'll be a mom to a beautiful baby, or maybe the word 'mom' will take another form, but I refuse to let the word 'incapable' ever be used to describe anything about me!!

With love, serenity, and hope to all my fellow fighters out there - especially this week!!  Let's talk about infertility and take the stigma away.  My life is already pretty amazing and no matter what the outcome, it always will be thanks to freedom from my eating disorder and the love that fills my world!