Sitting on the edge of the cliff .... a musical ramble!!

So tonight as I was driving home,  I had that annoying thing happen where you have a song in your head and it won't stop playing!!    Only the thing was, I couldn't remember the real lyrics but was making up new ones because of where my head was!!!

The song is "Sitting on the dock of the bay", but my version went "Sitting on the edge of the cliff"!!!  You see, the past few weeks I've been sitting on the edge of a cliff and just was scared to actually jump off.  yes, even in recovery, there are situations that present themselves that challenge me!!  

I have had an intern and I knew I needed to make a decision but it was one I didn't want to make because of how it would probably turn out.  Even though I knew deep down what I needed to do, actually following through and doing it was just not happening.  Hence the song "Sitting on the edge of the cliff"!!!!

Today I finally leaped!!!  I was terrified to be honest, but here's what I discovered.  Once I took that leap, I found support there to catch up me and guide me to a 'safe' landing.  once I used my voice and spoke up for what I believe in, I realized that people actually agreed with me and were 100% in support of what I was saying.  The leap was actually worth taking and if I'd never taken it, I'd have never known that!!

Recovery is not easy.  Letting go of Ed is even tougher.  But at some point we have to decide if we're willing to just jump off the edge of the cliff and try doing it differently - knowing that we can always go back if we choose to!!

And so, at the end of my ramble a new song comes to mind - Aretha Franklin's "Think".  My version ..... "You'd better jump, (jump), jump, (jump), if you want recovery"

LOL, my musical brain is apparently active tonight, but I'm sure you've somehow got the point of my rambling blog!!!!

Go on, I DARE you - jump off the edge of the cliff this week.  You might be surprised what you find when you do!!!!

Is it worth it??

You know, I often get asked 'is it worth it?', 'is the fight really going to get me to a place of recovery?', or 'can you ever really recover?'.

I remember asking those questions.  I'd never even met anyone who'd recovered, and so the reality for me was that freedom from Ed was pretty much impossible.  I'd go to bed at night and ask God to just not let me wake up in the morning - of course, His plan was different to mine, thank goodness!!

Then one day, I went to the the bookstore - ironically, it was an avoidance tactic because I was fighting Ed over lunch and at the time he was winning!  As I browsed the shelves for yet another suggestion on how to beat Ed, I came across Jenni's book "Life Without Ed".  It was as if I was reading my own words and the sense of relief I got because someone was writing what I was feeling, well it was incredible.  I took that book to a cafe, had some lunch, and began taking steps toward freedom.

My journey since then has been filled with ups and downs, but today I live in COMPLETE freedom and have done so for over 4 years.  I never imagined that would happen, especially because I had lived with Ed for more than 22 years.

So my answer to the question "is it worth it?" - YES!!!!!!!! No matter how impossible it seems, NEVER STOP FIGHTING!!!!  The journey ahead may seem impossible, but the cool part is you don't have to tackle it all in one day!!  You can take baby steps, then celebrate those victories, take a rest if you need, and then try again.  I promise you that if you keep connecting, fighting, and believing, you WILL find freedom too!!!

Suddenly!!!!

I came home tonight to find my husband cutting the grass.  After winter is ended, and spring well and truly showing signs all around us, I can't help but share this again!
Our yard has been brown all winter.  The lack of life was apparent in all we saw out of the window and you couldn't help but wonder after several nights of frost, whether the grass would ever re-gain it's rich, green appearance that gave life to our yard or if it was lost forever.
And then, without even noticing, we suddenly have to find the lawnmower, wipe off the dust, and put it to use and cut the grass that is now too long!  The lushness surrounds us and life is evident everywhere!!
So why am I blogging about the grass in our backyard?  Well, I guess I can't help but see the parallel between the growth of grass and the process of recovery.  In the depths of the disease, my life felt as though it were non-existent, essentially I'd 'died', and I felt hopeless with no belief that I could recover.  I was the brown, lifeless grass in my back yard.
The process to recovery was slow, but you know what, suddenly I realized that Ed was not a constant in my life and it was no longer a day to day battle.  In the midst of my hard work, I wasn't really aware of the growth I was making because at times it was so small it seemed irrelevant.  And yet, those tiny steps added up and before I knew it, had formed one giant leap that was leading me to freedom!  Yes, just as the grass needs cutting and yet you've not noticed it growing, the same is true of recovery!
And so my reminder to you is that the next time you feel like you're not making progress, go out and look at some grass;  stare at it, study it and see if you can watch the growth happen.  I can guarantee you won't, but you will certainly have to cut it again in a week!!
Recovery happens.  It may seem slow, it may seem like no progress is being made, but so long as you're  doing the work and utilizing your support, you'll be amazed at what is really going on underneath!!!
Keep fighting - you can do this!!!!

Phew!!!!!

Well, I have to say it was quite a week - NEDAwareness 2012, that is!!!  From bashing scales, to yoga, online meeting with Jenni Schaefer, screening of Someday Melissa, and of course the inaugural Fighting Back 5k, we worked on getting the word out about eating disorders!!!
When I think back to when we first began planning our events, I never imagined they would be so powerful.  Sure, part of our purpose was to raise money, but I think I underestimated just how much of an impact these events would have in regard to getting folks to talk about eating disorders.
For years, I lived in shame and hid my eating disorder and the struggle to recovery because I didn't want to be judged a failure.  And yet today I would sing it from the rooftops because I know by talking about it, well it can lead someone to begin their own journey!!
Sounding the starting gun for Saturday's Fighting Back 5k literally brought me to tears - again, not what I had expected!!!  And as I cheered and clapped for every person that walked or ran across the finish line, I couldn't help but think about the victories that need to be celebrated every time someone recognizes the need for help and begins to also 'fight back'!!
So here's to all that was accomplished, to seeing dreams come true, and to knowing that everybody really does know somebody, but by being open and talking about it, we can use that fact to help folks find freedom of their own!!!
Thank you to everyone who helped make this week a success.  I truly was one of the most powerful weeks of my life!!