But I don't want to!!!!!!

So today at school I had a conference with a parent and one of my 1st grade students.  Among many things, he shared with me that when we do math, he didn't want to have to draw the counters to solve his math problems like I asked.  When asked why, he told me that he already knew the answers and so didn't see the need!!

I took out one of his math papers and we looked at what he'd put as the answer.  He put that 2 + 4 equaled 7!  I then gave him a piece of paper and asked him to do the sum again, but this time drawing the counters under each number.  Of course, in doing this he then got the right answer!  

He wasn't happy that he's still going to have to 'show' how he solves the math problem, but he began to understand why I was asking him to do something and that perhaps, even though he'd hate doing it, it was worth listening and following through on my request!!

In early recovery, I was just like my student!!  I hated having to do things that in my mind were 'pointless'.  Often my team would make suggestions and I truly thought that they were ridiculous.  I'd fight them on having to follow through, and while I may say half-heartedly "ok, I'll try", the reality was that I knew I'd leave and would never follow through!

But, just like my student, I finally realized that maybe, just maybe, they knew what they were talking about!!  Perhaps the reason they were asking me to do something was because they had knowledge that it really could help!!  As I began to trust in them, as well as follow thru on what they were asking, I found that my successes grew!!

Recovery is not easy.  Often, my screaming rebel of a teenager liked to come out and throw a tantrum at what was being asked.  But if recovery was easy, it would be a simple and quick fix that we 'got' in a week!!

So this week I challenge you to be like my student. When you're asked to do something by your treatment team, instead of letting that little kid have the voice and be the one saying 'but why?????', take the risk and just go for it!!  Maybe it'll actually be a powerful experience that leads to a success against Ed!!!

Go on, you can do it!!!

Something Different

Recently I was talking about how in recovery at some point we have to make the decision to try something different, take that risk and jump of the cliff so to speak.

It's not easy and invariably, we tend to retreat back into the arms of Ed because that's what is familiar and what we feel 'safest' with.

Change, i.e. doing something different, is not easy.  If it were, we'd all find recovery a breeze and not have any trouble fighting Ed.  But the reality is that in order to find freedom, we have to take those tiny steps toward something different at some point.

What can you do differently today?  We're not talking giant leaps here!!!  What is one thing you are willing to 'try' in order to begin strengthening that recovery voice?

A few ideas could be:

• write a blog
• write a success in your journal and share it with someone
• make a phone call
• send an email
• delay using a behavior, even if it's only for 5 minutes
• write a response to this blog
• journal
• when Ed starts in with his tirade of negativity, find an upbeat song and sing along to it

Sure, your first reaction may be to cringe and say 'I could never do that' - but how do you know if you've never tried??  What is it they say ...... "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got".

Make today the day you try something different.  You never know, maybe it will be an incredible success and something that you can see yourself using over and over again.

Doing something different - scary?  yes!!  Possible - ABSOLUTELY?  Willing to try?  Go on, I DARE you!!!

Change

Ugh!!  Even just reading the word 'change' sometimes can evoke a reaction that just makes you shudder!!  Change is not an easy thing and I don't think I know of anyone who jumps up and down with excitement at the thought of change in their life!

And yet the reality is that life is filled with change - sometimes planned, sometimes unexpected, and what I'm learning is that it is my approach to that change that can make it a disaster or an ok experience!!

So how do we handle change?  

Come on, I know you have ideas ....... and yes, beyond just 'bury your head in the sand and ignore it' view!!

Something that has helped me is switching my focus.  Change is scary because invariably there is a lack of control associated with it.  Change is often not something I've chosen and so that unknown is what makes it so overwhelming.  And so I try to switch my focus to the things that have stayed the same in my life as these are the things that give me stability.  For example, no matter what change is thrown my way, the love of my husband is a constant.  No matter what, I will always have the ability to write my gratitude list.  No matter what, I always have the ability to reach out and stay connected to my friends.

Now the key for me is whether I CHOOSE to remember that!!  LOL!!  Change has this knack of erasing my memory and I seem to forget that I have these tools in my tool box!!  But if I take a deep breath, stop and remind myself of all the things I DO have control over, then I can actually navigate my through change because I choose to do so.  Now that doesn't mean I like the change I'm facing, but at least I can navigate my way through it in a healthy way and without feeling like my life is never going to be the same again!!

What things help you when you're faced with change?  What successes have you had?  What makes it hard?

Let's brainstorm together - who knows, it may help someone else, but more importantly it will probably help you too!!

The gift of a mistake!!

This morning I took my dogs outside and as I looked over into my neighbor's garden, noticed that one of their sprinklers was broken.  Basically, the water was still coming out but instead of it going over the grass, it was aimed right into the lake behind them!  

For my neighbors, this was probably a source of frustration, never mind the fact that the lake certainly didn't need watering and so it was in many ways a waste!  BUT, then I noticed something that made me smile and reminded me that sometimes the worst mistakes are the greatest gifts!!

You see, under the sprinkle of water that was coming down sat 2 ducks.  They were in heaven as they enjoyed bathing in the water!  I couldn't help but smile as I realized that maybe the broken sprinkler was the biggest gift of all!

In recovery, when we slip or fall, the first voice we hear is invariably that of Ed's.  He loves to point out how we've made yet another mistake, how we are failures, and how we can just never get anything right.

Well, Ed is full of you know what!!!!

Just as those ducks benefited from a broken sprinkler, when we step back and reflect on the tumble we took, there is always a lesson buried underneath that can help us find greater understanding for the journey we're taking.  Sometimes those lessons are so small that they're hard to notice, but I know that if we take the time to reflect on what happened, we can always learn something.

And so the next time you turn to Ed, instead of beating yourself up for using a behavior, grab your journal instead.  Write about what happened and then look at whether there was something for you to learn.  Maybe you realized there was a point where you could have reached out for help, maybe you'll discover a pattern of behaviors that you'd never noticed before, or maybe you'll understand how all your emotional response to a situation had been shoved inside and perhaps next time you'll allow yourself to feel just a little.  Who knows?  Maybe you'll learn nothing, but I like to think that every thing that happens has a reason behind it and we just have to explore a little!

Here's to mistakes!  As I taught my 1st graders this week, mistakes are simply a different way for us to learn!  

Self-Care - UGH!!

As I wrote in some of the groups on the Ed Recovery Jax this morning, I headed to the 'self-care' group and my first response was 'UGH'.  Yup, even now, there's a part of me that hates to think about the importance of doing things just for me.  

This past week or so, I've been reminded of the importance of self-care.  There is a possibility my medical team are going to put me on bed rest and let's just say, I'm not too happy about it!!  However, as I realized that it was a true possibility, I decided this weekend I was going to do 'nothing' and give myself the gift of rest to see if it helped.

Well, let's just say I am not exactly the model patient!!  Laying still is not, and probably will never be my strength!!  In fact, when I told my friends at work, one of them simply burst out laughing and said 'now you on bed rest, that's something I have to see'!!!  

Yes, in theory, it sounds great being able to lay down and just watch tv, read a book, or do whatever I want so long as it doesn't involve getting off the sofa / bed.  But my brain didn't get the full message and so of course was thinking of all these other things I needed to be doing!!  In Ed days, the term he would have thrown around was that I was 'lazy'.  Well that's not the case, but interestingly it still felt like I was lazy as I watched those around me work and do everything.  The difference today is that I can recognize that I'm laying down because I'm supposed to and that it's helping my little one to continue growing healthily.

And so yes, self-care is kind of important.  Wherever you are in your life, be it pregnant like me, or working on your recovery, it is vital that you take care of you.  And the reality is that if I don't take care of myself, no-one else can do it for me!!

So here's to self-care and all that it may involve in the coming weeks.  I'm learning that acceptance is a lesson I apparently didn't 'get' and may have to take that class over as I come to accept what my medical team tell me!!!  But whatever their directions, I do know that I am willing to do whatever it takes and listen to them because I know I am not willing to even risk the alternative!

Body Positive Day

Did you know that today is 'Be Body Positive' Day?!  Yes, it's the third annual time this event is being celebrated!

Living with Ed, it can be hard to even begin imaging celebrating our body and all that's positive about it but today I DARE you to take on that challenge.  

For many years, I hated .... no, despised my body.  As far as I was concerned, there was nothing good about it and I certainly didn't like the way it looked.  The key for me was beginning to accept and then like the functions of my body.  There was no way Ed could argue against the reality that my fingers were amazing for being able to type on a keyboard, or the evidence that my legs were amazing for the fact they could help me stand up each morning and walk from my bedroom to begin my day.

The purpose of "Be Body Positive Day' is "to do something enjoyable that expands your love for your unique body. You can do an activity alone, with family or friends, or just change the thoughts in your mind. The point is to spend a day doing the things that give you pleasure because you deserve to feel good about who you are!"

And so, in spirit of the Daily Dare, I DARE you to do something today that allows you to honor your body.  Go for a walk, type an email, or use your ears as you make a phone call and listen to the person the other end!!  And once you've done that, come on to our site and share how you are celebrating Be Body Positive Day!!

Go on, you CAN do this .... fight back against Ed in style today!

Disappointment

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”  - H Jackson Brown Jr

Last night as I watched the Olympics, I couldn't help but feel some empathy for the US Men's Team.  They entered the competition as the favorites and yet, didn't even place for a medal.  I'm sure they each felt immense disappointment, but in spite of that, they will continue to compete and I'm sure bring home some individual medals!!

That's the thing about disappointment.  Sure, it can feel like the end of the world when something doesn't quite go the way you were hoping but does that mean you then simply give up, never to try again?  In Ed's world, the answer would be yes!!  He is all about failure!!!  But in recovery, we realize that the success comes from attempting something, being brave enough to have those dreams that we chase after - no matter what the outcome!!

And so today, I DARE you to try something.  As the quote says, you won't remember whether you achieved that goal or not in a few years, but you will always remember that you tried!!!  And as we always talk about, you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome and won't face disappointment at all!!!

So here's to taking risks and looking at disappointment in the face, DARING to do that thing that Ed says you shouldn't!!!

"The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do." - Author Unknown

Last night, I enjoyed watching the women's gymnastics at the Olympics.  As I watched them on the apparatus, I couldn't help but be amazed at their skill - especially those jumps and back flips on the beam.  I know for sure they haven't always been able to do that and in fact, probably wobbled once or twice and fell to the floor.  But the one thing I know they all have in common is that they never gave up and faced head on the something that I'm sure held a lot of fear for them at one point in their lives.

Recovery is like that.  When we first think about trying something new, the fear within us can be paralyzing.  Even as we let the idea 'live' in our minds a little longer, we still are afraid to step out of a routine that has been familiar into something that is unknown.

So today's Daily Dare is to do just that - step into something new!!  Go on, I DARE YOU!!!  Think about something that you've been contemplating doing, but something that you've been afraid of, and go for it!!!  As always, remember it doesn't have to be something big.  Recovery begins with the smallest of steps and yet, without those small risks, recovery wouldn't happen!  

Here's to taking a risk today.  Here's to doing just one thing you're afraid of, and when you have I think you'll be amazed at just how great you feel as you celebrate the success of your courage and we cheer you on as well!!  I DARE you to do it and then come share with us what step you took - besides, not only will that be a victory for you but you may even inspire someone else to take a risk too!!!

An unexpected Gift!

Last week something happened that made me really angry.  In the past, anger was something I avoided at all cost and even though in recovery I know that anger will pass, while you're going through it, it is still not comfortable!!

I wrote several angry emails ..... none of which got sent!!  I vented to my husband and had several conversations with friends to help me process through the situation.

Finally, I realized this weekend that actually what happened was the best gift I could ever have received.  It allowed me to let go of something that I'd been holding on to for far too long and was able to do so with complete peace.

Anger is simply an emotion.  When we allow ourselves to feel it, to process through it, and then navigate away from it, we can learn so much about ourselves.  Today I see anger as an unexpected gift that is bringing me something new to understand, a new lesson that I need to learn, and something that is no longer to be feared!!

So next time anger comes your way, instead of running in the opposite direction, why not sit with it for a while and see if it's brining you any unexpected gifts.  You never know, perhaps just simply allowing the wave of anger to wash over you and then ebb away, just like the ocean, will be the starting point to help you see that you too can experience anger!!

Unexpected Flying Objects

Tonight I had a blast watching my first baseball game in Jacksonville!!  What made it more fun was going with my husband, sister, her husband, and of course my gorgeous niece!!
Not long after the 7th inning stretch, the 'girls' decided it was time for a bathroom break .... and ironically our timing couldn't have been better!  You see, as we made our way back to our seats, we saw a flying bat flying past where we would have been sitting!  Yes, the batter had lost his bat and it went flying though our area, actually hitting several people!!
Life has a way of sometimes throwing things your way when you least expect them.  Everything can be going smoothly, but all of a sudden something completely unexpected comes your way that you never imagined coming - a little like that baseball bat!!
When living with Ed, these sudden changes would simply be ammunition for him - reasons why we should just listen to him and not choose recovery.  However, today what I have learned is that even though you may be caught off guard, may experience disappointment from a source you never imagined possible, the reality is that none of those things mean anything when it comes to recovery.  Nothing is worth feeling sad over if it means choosing between Ed and Recovery!
The Jacksonville Suns won their game tonight;  nobody was seriously hurt from the unexpected flying bat;  and life yet again had a wonderful way of reminding me why no matter what happens, so long as I have those things that keep me grounded - like my family to enjoy a baseball game with - it doesn't matter what life throws my way, I will always be victorious!!

Change

Life is an adventure, and these days I LOVE the ride and all the unexpected twists and turns it brings my way!!

It hasn't always been this way!  Change was something that I feared and would avoid at all cost.  Today, however, I've realized that change can actually be an incredible gift because it brings things into your life that you would not have experienced otherwise!!

Sometimes on this journey we reach a crossroads, with no clear view of which route we are supposed to take.  And so instead of taking a risk and following one of the paths, in the past my response would have been to retreat and crawl back into my hole because then I could avoid making a decision!

Recovery is not easy.  BUT, the one thing I've realized is that change is something I am grateful for today.  When things stay the same, often they are taken for granted by others or, the alternative you become complacent and no longer put forth the same effort that a situation deserves.  That is when change gently encourages you to take action, to make a decision, so that the journey can continue.

Ed hates change.  He will never want you to try something new and he will always push you backwards, telling you to simply bury your head in the sand!!  But if we always listen to him, we'll never move forward and that's when we become stuck in a life of misery with Ed.

Today I encourage you to embrace opportunities that bring new adventures your way!!  Go on, take a risk and try something new - you never know what joy it can bring your way!!

Gifts

"Every problem has a gift for you in its hands." - Richard Bach

Don't you love receiving gifts?  There's something about seeing how beautifully it's wrapped, the joy and excitement of unwrapping it, and then discovering what amazing thing there is inside!!  Even giving gifts can bring a smile to your face when you know you've picked the perfect present for someone!!

In recovery, something that was really helpful was realizing that instead of looking at my slips or times I turned to Ed as failures, I could imagine them as gifts.  You see, a slip meant that something I thought I'd figured out was still something that needed work on.  And so instead of beating myself up, I began to say 'thanks Ed' and totally confuse him by looking at the situation as a new opportunity to grow and learn.

So today I DARE you to look at a slip as a gift.  Unwrap that gift and see what lesson there is to be learned.  You never know, you may figure out how you could do it differently the next time, you could figure out something that's been missing that you need to add in, or you could even have a major breakthrough in your recovery as you realize a repeating pattern is related to something you'd never even paid attention to.

As you unwrap those recovery gifts, why not share with us any small insights you gain.  Go on, I DARE you to confuse Ed and thank him for the gifts he gives you ..... you can do it!!!!

The Moon

Have you seen the moon the past 2 nights?  It's been beautiful and it reminded me of something I wrote a while ago.

The Moon

This weekend my husband has been out of town.  The house seems especially quiet and empty without him here, and both the dogs and I keep waiting to here the roar of his car as he pulls into the garage!

Last night, we were able to connect and it was cool because we were both looking up to the sky for the moon.  No matter where each of us was, the one constant was that we could both see the amazing moon up in the night sky and for that moment, we were connected.

Recovery sometimes feels lonely, and yet if we look at the stars and the moon, we can remember that even though our friends and support may be far away, they are equally close by for they see the same night sky that we do.

Another cool thing that the moon offers is the reminder that anything is possible!!  Many years ago, people laughed at the thought of people actually landing on the moon.  And yet, that impossible dream became a reality!  Recovery is just like that!  It may seem like an impossible dream, but keep searching for ways to find it, and you WILL get there!

So here’s to the moon and all it’s magnificence.  And here’s to the reminder that wherever you are, you are always connected!

SLIP

So tonight in our meeting, we were talking about slips.  Ed loves them and tries to use them to his advantage to persuade us to keep listening.

But, I came up with a new acronym to help remind us that slips are simply opportunities to learn!

Stop

Listen

Inspire

Proceed

Stop

when a slip happens, think of it as a stop light.  it is a warning sign that we need to stop and assess what's going on.

Listen

After a slip, we have to listen to what it's trying to teach us.  Every slip has a lesson and it may take us a while to figure out what it is, but it really is just something that we haven't learned yet.

Inspire

A slip can inspire us into motivation.  Maybe it's inspiration comes from reminding us to reach out next time Ed's voice is loud, maybe it inspires us into figuring out what's really going on, or maybe it's the inspiration we need to keep fighting because we're tired of listening to Ed!

Proceed

Just because we slip, it does NOT mean we have to take's Ed's view and let it lead to further slips and relapse.  We CAN keep moving forward because a slip is simply that, a slip.  When you're out walking and you fall, do you just sit there the rest of the day?  NO, you get back up and carry on walking.  The same is true with a slip.

So the next time you slip, remember what it stands for and tell Ed that you're done listening to his perspective!

Talk to a REAL person!!!

so I don't know if you've seen this commercial, but I loved it and totally wanted to re-make it as a commercial about why you should turn to your support folks instead of a scale to get reminded about your self-worth!!

You see, the reality is that just as a blender is not going to be able to help a customer walking into a dry cleaners, a scale is NEVER going to be able to help you when it comes to telling you how amazing you are!!  The scale is simply an appliance and its ability to be supportive is simply non existent!!

So next time you are tempted to step on the scale, think of this commercial and remember that you have an "Ally" in all the folks on here!!  

Here's to bashing that scale and refusing to let your self-worth be determined by it any more!!!

Learning to eat again!

So Sunday, I was blessed (not!!!) with getting a stomach virus.  Yup, around 6:30 pm it struck and it's been pretty rough since then.  Today is the first day that I actually have a little more energy and have managed to actually take a shower and get dressed!!

But, this blog is not about self-pity but in fact something completely different!!  You see, when getting a stomach virus, the last thing you are able to handle is food.  When living with Ed, this would have been something to celebrate, but in recovery I hate that my body is not able to get the nutrition it needs.  Even more so, being pregnant I had a slight freak out that it would be harmful to my little one - good news is that all is well!!

Today I finally took a risk and began to eat more solid food.  It reminded me in many ways of learning to eat again in early recovery.  I was scared - simply because I didn't want to get sick again!!  But, even though there may have been fear, the reality was that at some point I had to just take that leap and go for it!!  It's baby steps today.  There won't be any 3-course meals any time soon, but I also know that my body truly appreciated getting some nutrition that will allow me to heal and get my strength back.

Recovery is about sometimes just taking that leap.  Sure, there is always going to be fear to hold us back, but eventually we have to decide whether we want to stay in a state of fear permanently, or try something different that could lead us to a better place.

So as I take small steps in the next day or so, walk them with me!!  Take that risk of trying something new ..... you never know where it will take you!!

Starting the day right!!

Morgan and Cara, my sweet dogs, have got this figured out!!

I love summer!!  I don't love it because of the heat, I don't love it because of being able to go to the beach more.  No, I love it because I get to start my mornings in such great way ..... no time frame, relaxing on my patio, and just enjoying some quiet and serenity before I decide what to do!!

A favorite quote of mine has always been "the person with the most recovery is the person who got up the earliest".  I love it because it reminds me that this day is a brand new day and whatever happened yesterday is gone, and today I get to start recovery all over again!!  One mornings where I sit on my patio, listening to the birds, just looking at the peace that surrounds me, it's hard to imagine choosing anything but recovery!   Yes, as another quote says, I can choose to say "Good god, morning or Good morning God".  

So even if you don't have the luxury of sitting outside this morning, there's still something you can do to start your day off with a recovery thought.  Perhaps you can listen to a favorite recovery song on the way to work, maybe you can write down an affirmation to start your day, or perhaps take 5 minutes to have your coffee while reading your daily devotional.  Whatever it is, I know for me that when I start my day off with recovery at the front, Ed doesn't stand a chance!!

Recovery isn't easy ......

..... that's the reality!!  Recovery is NOT easy and as much as I wish I could sit here and say that it is, I'd be as much as a lier as Ed if I was to tell you that it is!!

However, what I realized on my journey was at some point I had to make a solid commitment to recovery because otherwise Ed was going to win every time.  Wow, that was tough to do for sure!!  You see, I was willing to commit to recovery ...... but still had some 'terms' in there!  For example, 'I want recovery, but I don't want to gain the weight';  "I want recovery, but it's ok if I use a behavior when I have a stressful day", or "I want recovery and I'll 'try' to use my tools, but it's hard".  "Try" became my word that meant I'd think about it, but knew I was never really going to follow through on - but at least it sounded like I might!!

Working through the crap of my past, the depression, the trauma, fighting the OCD, and all those other labels I could add to the list, well it was far from easy.  But I added to the struggle if I didn't choose recovery each day.  My mantra of "no ifs, no buts, NO OPTION" came from there because I knew that no matter how shitty my day was, if I wanted recovery - truly wanted it, I had to do whatever it took to fight back against Ed.  

Some days were more successful than others and often I found that I returned to Ed.  But the more I was willing to actually follow my meal plan, 100% including snacks, the more I was willing to avoid that scale and do whatever it took to keep myself off it, well that's when the recovery voice started to grow from a silent partner to a whisper and eventually a screaming voice back at Ed.

And so I guess my encouragement is that recovery is NEVER going to be easy.  If it was, we'd all be recovered by the end of today!!  But at some point in the journey, we have to ask ourselves if we are truly ready to fight back and do whatever it takes to fight Ed and his entourage of labels.  If our answer that morning is we choose recovery, then no matter how tough it gets, we have to be willing to use those tools we have in our box, to pick up the phone before turning to a behavior, and following that meal plan no matter what.

Trust me.  I was not the 'perfect' student on this journey and I fell flat on my face many times!!  I often chose Ed over recovery and there was no judgement, it simply was my choice that day.  But I had to own it because then I could take responsibility for the choices I made from there.

My way with Ed was never going to work.  When I had my 'conditions' in place, recovery was never going to be mine.  I had to be willing to do whatever it took and let go of it all.

What are you going to choose today?  It's not easy, but what I can tell you is that if you choose recovery today, I will do whatever it takes to support you in your fight against Ed.  Why?  Because I know that a life in recovery is worth all the pain and tears I had to fight through and I KNOW you can get there too!!

The Daily Positivity Pill

So how many of you have to take a daily medication?  Maybe you view food in this way if you're in early recovery?

Well, here's something that you can add to do each day to make a difference in your recovery!!
It's called the "Daily Positivity Pill" and here's what you do:

• set your alarm on your phone to remind you to take the Positivity Pill
• When the alarm goes off, find a quiet spot so that you can take 5 minutes just for you
• Either in a journal, in an email to a mentor, or come to the Ed Recovery Jax site and write down at least 2 successes that have happened that day

You see, by recognizing the positive things we do, it slowly kills Ed.  And even better, by sharing the successes with others who 'get it', we increase our spirits and find a little motivation to keep fighting!!

Remember, Ed loves negativity, but the power of positive thought can help in killing Ed - and after all, he deserves to die so let's do all we can to help add another nail to the coffin.

Here's to taking the daily positivity pill - go on, I DARE you to try it!!!!

Really?? My way doesn't work???

When I lived with Ed, or rather when I chose to no longer live with him and try recovery, the early days of fighting back proved tough!!!  You see, in my mind if I chose recovery then that's what would happen. You can imagine my surprise when nothing changed and my frustration level simply rose and rose!!

Finally, what I realized was that I was still doing the same things, using my thinking and it dawned on me that 'my' thinking is what led me to Ed in the first place.  The reality was, therefore, if I wanted to leave Ed behind I had to do something different - in other words, trust someone else and try their suggestions for a while.

Wow!  What a concept!!  And needless to say, not one I was ready to try!!  After all, it would mean I had to truly relinquish all control for a while and well, I wasn't ready to do that.

It was only after I fell flat on my face time after time that I finally decided to take that leap of faith.  I took the risk and tried the suggestions my treatment team were making.  It made sense that if I was going to pay them all this money, why not actually try some of what they said would help me in my fight against Ed!!

Well, that leap of faith and trying their suggestions helped me find my way to freedom.  Granted, it was MY efforts that made it happen, but it was not always my thinking because in early recovery I realized that I could not trust myself because Ed was still so powerful.

Are you ready to trust your treatment team?  Are you ready to take their suggestions and actually put them  into action?  Go on, I DARE you to try it for just one week and see if anything shifts ...... you might be pleasantly surprised!  And if you hate the change, the reality is that we are all experts at living with Ed and can go back to him in a moment if that's what we choose!

Recovery is far from easy.  However, for me, once I took that step of finally embracing the suggestions coming my way, amazing things happened!!!!

So think about it!!  Who's way are you trying right now?  Are you ready to fight back and trust in your team?  I think you'll be shocked and pleasantly surprised if you do!!!

Don't wait ... recovery starts NOW!

Today I was catching up on my 'British' news with one of the UK online newspapers.  I was saddened that one of the top stories was about the death of a 19 year old.  She had struggled with anorexia since the age of 16 and while her family felt that she was finally starting to win her battle, her body had clearly not got that message and she lost her life due to heart failure during her sleep.
The story reminded me so much of "Melissa', the young girl who's story we screened during NEDAwareness week this year.  She tragically lost her life at 19, again in her sleep and as she was in a 'healthier' phase of her recovery.
The harsh reality is that eating disorders KILL.  No matter how much Ed likes to delude us that we're "not that bad", when dancing in his world, we walk a perilous line between life and death.
I feel blessed that I was one of the lucky ones, and in spite of ending up in the ER having been told by my inpatient team that my body was shutting down and giving up on me, I was given the opportunity to find freedom and today I'm truly grateful I took it.
For those of you still struggling, I guess I'm sharing all this to remind you that when it comes to Ed, there is not 'waiting till tomorrow' to start recovery - RECOVERY STARTS NOW!!! Even when slips happen, and Ed may try to persuade you to just wait till the following day to start over, HE'S LYING!!!  When it comes to the battle against Ed, there is not waiting because we may not have that long to wait!!
Don't let Ed convince you any longer!  As tough as it is, when Ed starts in with his bullshit, it's time to remind him that YOU are in charge and you refuse to listen any more.
Ed kills.  Don't become one of his victims.  You are too amazing, too courageous, and too beautiful to let Ed take you from us!!
So go on, don't wait - recovery starts NOW!!!

National Infertility Week

Today marks the start of National Infertility Week - something I would not have been aware of if it weren't for the amazing Jenni Schaefer letting me know!  It's ironic, really, that I didn't know considering infertility is something that has impacted my life significantly!!

Infertility.  The dictionary defines it as 'not capable of producing offspring'.  Wow, words that I HATE because my whole life I believed I was capable of anything I set my mind to!!

When you get married, once everyone has got passed the excitement of the wedding day, their next question always seems to be 'so when are you going to start a family?'.  It seems such a simple question and yet, today also invokes some pain because the delay is not of my choosing!  People take it for granted that everyone CAN have kids, yet what I'm realizing is that there are more and more people out there who this is simply not the case.

When I met my husband, we did begin trying for a family immediately after getting married.  Being older, I knew I didn't want to lose any more time and while I knew that my chances at 39 years of age were perhaps not as high as some other folks, I still believed that I was "capable" of getting pregnant.

Almost 3 years later, and I have yet to become a mom.  The journey has been filled with many ups and downs, excitement and disappointments, and incredible IVF specialists who are there every step of the way.  Twice we have been blessed with actual pregnancy, but the furthest we got was our second where we got to hear the heart beat at 6 weeks.  True, there's lots of 'fun' in trying on our own, but even with the support of our incredible IVF team, 6 attempts later and I can't help but wonder what the plan is from here.

One of the biggest challenges for me was letting go of that negative voice deep inside that wanted me to believe it was my fault I couldn't get pregnant.  For years, I had suffered with an eating disorder and the reality was that it probably ravaged my body more than I ever realized.  I'm one of the lucky ones, however, and the Doctors assure me that the reason I have not been able to get pregnant is nothing to do with my eating disorder but simply because of the reality that I'm 'old'!!!

And so our journey continues and in some ways I draw on my recovery from my eating disorder for support.  The common connection between the two is that no matter what, you have to have faith, you have to trust what your medical team is telling you, and you have to let go and trust that the universe is going to give you all you need.

I've not given up on my dream and deep down know that I am meant to be a mom and that it WILL happen!!  It's just not going to be on my time and is something that I have to remember I have NO control over!!  Hmmmm, memories of recovery again!!

Anyone who is out there struggling with their own journey of infertility, I 'get it'.  I also see others who have walked a similar path and have beautiful children.  That gives me hope.  And so while the dictionary uses words like 'barren', 'incapable', or 'sterile', I know that my journey to become a mom has NONE of those words in it!!  My life is filled with incredible support that makes it anything but barren, I am capable of making decisions that lead me down a path of MY choosing, and the only way that I am 'sterile' is by the fact that I always wash my hands after going to the bathroom!!!

So here's to my continued journey.  And whether your journey is recovery from an eating disorder or struggling with infertility, I believe that when we least expect it, amazing things can happen!!  Who knows, maybe I'll be a mom to a beautiful baby, or maybe the word 'mom' will take another form, but I refuse to let the word 'incapable' ever be used to describe anything about me!!

With love, serenity, and hope to all my fellow fighters out there - especially this week!!  Let's talk about infertility and take the stigma away.  My life is already pretty amazing and no matter what the outcome, it always will be thanks to freedom from my eating disorder and the love that fills my world!

A simple word ....

We spend so much of our lives going about our day, doing the things we do without a second thought.  Invariably, we don't 'do' things because there's going to be a monetary reward, but because it's just something we're passionate about.
Recently, however, I was reminded that the power of a word can be so powerful and reminds you why you choose to do those things.  For me, it's been an email from a parent telling me how much she appreciates all I do to go that extra mile in teaching her son, or being told at the end of a phone call 'wow, thank you, you're appreciated'.  I never set out to get these compliments, and yet in hearing them was reminded that those simple words mean so much.  The warm glow I felt inside, the smile that broke out on my face, well it came at the perfect time!
We have the power to choose words that can bring smiles to people's faces, or allow Ed's destructive messages to cause chaos and pain.  Of course, we would never choose those cruel words of Ed to say to a friend, yet we have no problem listening to them and embracing them ourselves.
So today, as you give a compliment to someone else, or you say thank you to someone for the help they've given, why not take a moment and give an extra special thank you to yourself!  Yes, YOU deserve those simple words for all the hard work you do each day, for making choices that support your recovery, or to remind you just how amazing you are.
So here's to each of you out there.  You guys are amazing and I am blessed to have you all in my life.  And today I DARE you to compliment yourself - go on, try it, you might be pleasantly surprised!!!

With directions, you're never lost!

Today I had to go and pick my husband up from work but I was in a part of town that I didn't really know that well, and had to navigate from there to his office.  Initially I was worried ..... what if I got lost?  What if I didn't get there on time?  What if .... what it .... what if!!!!
But then I realized I had no need to worry because I have navigation in my car.  I programmed it to lead me to his office and straight away, a voice gave me instructions of how to start.  As we proceeded, periodically I'd get a new instruction, and step by step, with the help of the navigation system, I arrived safely to his office and on time!
Recovery is a little like that!  When we start, we have this huge panic and fear, with so many questions about whether we'll ever each our destination of recovery.  And yet, if we listen to our treatment team, they become like my navigation system.  Periodically, they give us new suggestions / guidelines to follow and if we try them out, we find we continue moving forward in the direction we want.
With support, we never have to be alone and we find that no matter how unclear the journey is, if we trust in that voice, that support, we'll always get to where we want!
And so today I encourage you to listen to your GPS system!! It's there - we just have to remember to listen and trust that they're not going to lead us astray!!

You have to push the button!!

It's been a while since I blogged, and there's a variety of reasons as to why, but no matter what is going on in my life, situations still seem to pop up that remind me about recovery!!
Recently I was standing in an elevator.  I watched the doors close and stood waiting for it to rise.  Nothing happened.  It took me a minute to realize that the elevator wasn't going to go anywhere if I didn't press the button and let it know which floor I needed to go to!  Yup, funny how that works!
But the reality is that recovery works something like that.  We can have all the plans in the world, know exactly where we want to get to, but until we 'press the button' nothing will happen!  In recovery that means not only coming up with a plan with our treatment team, but taking action and following through!  Yeah, that's the tough part and yet, without it, we will stay exactly where we are!  How's that phrase go - "if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got'!!
And so, make today different!  Step in the elevator called recovery AND press the button to start moving toward it!!  That will probably look different for each of us, but it is still something we can ALL do!!!
So go on, press the button and take action on recovery today - I DARE you!!!

Sitting on the edge of the cliff .... a musical ramble!!

So tonight as I was driving home,  I had that annoying thing happen where you have a song in your head and it won't stop playing!!    Only the thing was, I couldn't remember the real lyrics but was making up new ones because of where my head was!!!

The song is "Sitting on the dock of the bay", but my version went "Sitting on the edge of the cliff"!!!  You see, the past few weeks I've been sitting on the edge of a cliff and just was scared to actually jump off.  yes, even in recovery, there are situations that present themselves that challenge me!!  

I have had an intern and I knew I needed to make a decision but it was one I didn't want to make because of how it would probably turn out.  Even though I knew deep down what I needed to do, actually following through and doing it was just not happening.  Hence the song "Sitting on the edge of the cliff"!!!!

Today I finally leaped!!!  I was terrified to be honest, but here's what I discovered.  Once I took that leap, I found support there to catch up me and guide me to a 'safe' landing.  once I used my voice and spoke up for what I believe in, I realized that people actually agreed with me and were 100% in support of what I was saying.  The leap was actually worth taking and if I'd never taken it, I'd have never known that!!

Recovery is not easy.  Letting go of Ed is even tougher.  But at some point we have to decide if we're willing to just jump off the edge of the cliff and try doing it differently - knowing that we can always go back if we choose to!!

And so, at the end of my ramble a new song comes to mind - Aretha Franklin's "Think".  My version ..... "You'd better jump, (jump), jump, (jump), if you want recovery"

LOL, my musical brain is apparently active tonight, but I'm sure you've somehow got the point of my rambling blog!!!!

Go on, I DARE you - jump off the edge of the cliff this week.  You might be surprised what you find when you do!!!!

Is it worth it??

You know, I often get asked 'is it worth it?', 'is the fight really going to get me to a place of recovery?', or 'can you ever really recover?'.

I remember asking those questions.  I'd never even met anyone who'd recovered, and so the reality for me was that freedom from Ed was pretty much impossible.  I'd go to bed at night and ask God to just not let me wake up in the morning - of course, His plan was different to mine, thank goodness!!

Then one day, I went to the the bookstore - ironically, it was an avoidance tactic because I was fighting Ed over lunch and at the time he was winning!  As I browsed the shelves for yet another suggestion on how to beat Ed, I came across Jenni's book "Life Without Ed".  It was as if I was reading my own words and the sense of relief I got because someone was writing what I was feeling, well it was incredible.  I took that book to a cafe, had some lunch, and began taking steps toward freedom.

My journey since then has been filled with ups and downs, but today I live in COMPLETE freedom and have done so for over 4 years.  I never imagined that would happen, especially because I had lived with Ed for more than 22 years.

So my answer to the question "is it worth it?" - YES!!!!!!!! No matter how impossible it seems, NEVER STOP FIGHTING!!!!  The journey ahead may seem impossible, but the cool part is you don't have to tackle it all in one day!!  You can take baby steps, then celebrate those victories, take a rest if you need, and then try again.  I promise you that if you keep connecting, fighting, and believing, you WILL find freedom too!!!

Suddenly!!!!

I came home tonight to find my husband cutting the grass.  After winter is ended, and spring well and truly showing signs all around us, I can't help but share this again!
Our yard has been brown all winter.  The lack of life was apparent in all we saw out of the window and you couldn't help but wonder after several nights of frost, whether the grass would ever re-gain it's rich, green appearance that gave life to our yard or if it was lost forever.
And then, without even noticing, we suddenly have to find the lawnmower, wipe off the dust, and put it to use and cut the grass that is now too long!  The lushness surrounds us and life is evident everywhere!!
So why am I blogging about the grass in our backyard?  Well, I guess I can't help but see the parallel between the growth of grass and the process of recovery.  In the depths of the disease, my life felt as though it were non-existent, essentially I'd 'died', and I felt hopeless with no belief that I could recover.  I was the brown, lifeless grass in my back yard.
The process to recovery was slow, but you know what, suddenly I realized that Ed was not a constant in my life and it was no longer a day to day battle.  In the midst of my hard work, I wasn't really aware of the growth I was making because at times it was so small it seemed irrelevant.  And yet, those tiny steps added up and before I knew it, had formed one giant leap that was leading me to freedom!  Yes, just as the grass needs cutting and yet you've not noticed it growing, the same is true of recovery!
And so my reminder to you is that the next time you feel like you're not making progress, go out and look at some grass;  stare at it, study it and see if you can watch the growth happen.  I can guarantee you won't, but you will certainly have to cut it again in a week!!
Recovery happens.  It may seem slow, it may seem like no progress is being made, but so long as you're  doing the work and utilizing your support, you'll be amazed at what is really going on underneath!!!
Keep fighting - you can do this!!!!