Recovery isn't easy ......

..... that's the reality!!  Recovery is NOT easy and as much as I wish I could sit here and say that it is, I'd be as much as a lier as Ed if I was to tell you that it is!!

However, what I realized on my journey was at some point I had to make a solid commitment to recovery because otherwise Ed was going to win every time.  Wow, that was tough to do for sure!!  You see, I was willing to commit to recovery ...... but still had some 'terms' in there!  For example, 'I want recovery, but I don't want to gain the weight';  "I want recovery, but it's ok if I use a behavior when I have a stressful day", or "I want recovery and I'll 'try' to use my tools, but it's hard".  "Try" became my word that meant I'd think about it, but knew I was never really going to follow through on - but at least it sounded like I might!!

Working through the crap of my past, the depression, the trauma, fighting the OCD, and all those other labels I could add to the list, well it was far from easy.  But I added to the struggle if I didn't choose recovery each day.  My mantra of "no ifs, no buts, NO OPTION" came from there because I knew that no matter how shitty my day was, if I wanted recovery - truly wanted it, I had to do whatever it took to fight back against Ed.  

Some days were more successful than others and often I found that I returned to Ed.  But the more I was willing to actually follow my meal plan, 100% including snacks, the more I was willing to avoid that scale and do whatever it took to keep myself off it, well that's when the recovery voice started to grow from a silent partner to a whisper and eventually a screaming voice back at Ed.

And so I guess my encouragement is that recovery is NEVER going to be easy.  If it was, we'd all be recovered by the end of today!!  But at some point in the journey, we have to ask ourselves if we are truly ready to fight back and do whatever it takes to fight Ed and his entourage of labels.  If our answer that morning is we choose recovery, then no matter how tough it gets, we have to be willing to use those tools we have in our box, to pick up the phone before turning to a behavior, and following that meal plan no matter what.

Trust me.  I was not the 'perfect' student on this journey and I fell flat on my face many times!!  I often chose Ed over recovery and there was no judgement, it simply was my choice that day.  But I had to own it because then I could take responsibility for the choices I made from there.

My way with Ed was never going to work.  When I had my 'conditions' in place, recovery was never going to be mine.  I had to be willing to do whatever it took and let go of it all.

What are you going to choose today?  It's not easy, but what I can tell you is that if you choose recovery today, I will do whatever it takes to support you in your fight against Ed.  Why?  Because I know that a life in recovery is worth all the pain and tears I had to fight through and I KNOW you can get there too!!